Forgiveness

Not sure if this is in the correct forum, so apologies if not.

How do you forgive someone who you never got an apology from?

I consider myself to be a forgiving person, but damn I am struggling with this. I feel like I'm *almost* there, and then I just feel back to as if it just happened.

I mostly want to do it for my own peace of mind. I don't want to hold onto anger.. as the Buddha (I think?) saying goes; Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Saw this a few minutes ago, must be synchronicity



http://www.supersoul.tv/minisessions/michael-bernard-beckwith-can-you-relate-to-this-form-of-self-abuse

Urgh i've been here and i know how you feel lilac, this is a question i posted on ploa back last year

i was given some great advice on it, but the best thing i learnt is this...

Forgiveness is for yourself, it's not necessarily for the other person, forgive so you can let go and be at peace.

easier said than done i know, with one person in my life i have tried and tried to forgive.. but it was hard, it still is hard, i dont know if i will ever reach a level of total forgiveness, but i'm at a place where i'm ok and i'm peaceful.. and now rather than hate them and resent them and hold onto it.... i feel sorry for them.. sorry for the fact they are the way they are, and they're so troubled and pained they have to lash out and cause others pain .. i've kinda accepted thats the best i can reach for now.

I love that quote, Lunar. It is so true. I especially like the part about it never being between you and them anyway. I do try to tell myself something along those lines. That when people treat you badly, it says more about them than it does about you. However, now and again I find myself thinking of things that I could have done to cause them to do what they did to me. I need to get to the point where I am not blaming myself. It's so strange that someone can do something awful, and you can sometimes still find a way to blame yourself for it.

That's great advice too, Night Eyes. I definitely want to forgive them for myself. If they wanted my forgiveness for them, they would have apologised and hoped for forgiveness. It's crazy how much harder it is to forgive when the other person doesn't seem sorry. But it is sad, like you said, that someone can be so troubled and pained that they can do awful things to someone else with no signs of a conscience.

Lilac this is where i took a further step that helped..... i realised that person probably does have a conscience, and they probably hate themselves deep down more than i ever could.... they're just too busy playing a victim and living in denial... more reason to feel sorry for them

when you realise that the truth is you're probably more internally stronger and together than that person, you suddenly start to feel liberated from your anger towards them, and you realise you can move on.. unfortunately that person tends to stay stuck.. but well.. they have to liberate themselves right?

Night Eyes wrote:Lilac this is where i took a further step that helped..... i realised that person probably does have a conscience, and they probably hate themselves deep down more than i ever could.... they're just too busy playing a victim and living in denial... more reason to feel sorry for them

when you realise that the truth is you're probably more internally stronger and together than that person, you suddenly start to feel liberated from your anger towards them, and you realise you can move on.. unfortunately that person tends to stay stuck.. but well.. they have to liberate themselves right?

I never looked at it that way. I don't want them to hate themselves. I see it as they are a good person that did a bad thing, but then took no responsibility for what they did or tried to make amends/handle it kindly. I guess maybe that part annoys me more than what they actually did.

So how do they liberate themselves? I guess sometimes the person can forgive themselves, and then they move on. Maybe them being ashamed of their action prevents them from apologising.

That's another thing I don't understand. So this thing that this person did was awful. But then LOA says you attract what happens to you.. so that would mean I brought it on myself? I don't think I agree with that.

Yes i think its not about being good or bad, we're all capable of both, i guess some people dont deal with their own problems very well or they live in denial maybe? but i usually find if someone treats you bad, its more of a reflection on them than it is you, they're usually struggling to deal with something themselves.

I guess it depends on what they've done, as to how they liberate themselves, from my personal situation i dont think the person who hurt me would ever take responsibility or try to face what they did, but lots of people do

i'm on the fence as to if we attract these things, personally i can understand that i may have been on a negative frequency, but i'm pretty sure i didnt attact some of the things i've experienced.... but i guess thats a whole different discussion lol

I think nothing happens without a reason. I'm not sure how it goes exactly, but maybe your soul had decided to experience certain situations in this lifetime, perhaps the only reason would have been in this case to develop a compassion for the individual.

I just heard it on tv somewhere that "All hatred stems from self hatred" so for a person to treat you with disrespect and to still see themselves as the one that is right or a victim, they must have some serious issue and you can only feel lucky that you have the strength to be above it, forgive and be free.

Now I find that there are 2 types of forgiveness, one is to forgive for your own sake, so that you won't mull the situation over and over in your head anymore, harbor any hatred or ill feelings etc that would hold your own energy in a low vibration, and then there is the forgiveness where you forgive and you go back to communicating with that person as if nothing ever happened. That is much harder to do and I don't necessarily think it even should be done, unless you really have to, say if it's a coworker.

Thanks for your thoughts, Lunar and Night It's given me a lot to mull over, so maybe I will be back with more thoughts and questions once I've worked it around my mind

Did you look into Ho'oponopono, Lilac?

I did read up on it Adi, not sure what I think about it though. I keep meaning to give it a try. Anybody had any interesting results from it?

One thing that did really help was that I wrote a letter addressing the issue and stating my forgiveness, and also took some responsibility for some separate small issues that I hadn't realised before. I never actually sent the letter, though.

What a great thread! Lilac, your writing of the letter reminds me a bit of a slightly similar but different exercise from Olivia Fox Cabane. She gets you to write a letter as if it is from the person you want to forgive... I actually did it half by accident once (complicated to explain lol so I won't) and I find it incredibly effective.

Getting Satisfaction

♦ Think of someone who has aggrieved you.
♦ Take a blank page and write them a letter saying everything you wish you had ever told them. Make sure you write it out by hand.
♦ When you’ve gotten absolutely everything off your mind, put the letter aside.
♦ Now write their answer, apologizing for everything they’ve done and taking responsibility for all their hurtful actions.
♦ For maximum effect, reread their apology a few times over the course of a week