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Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

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Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by Havefaith on Thu Feb 25, 2016 4:34 pm

I am in a loving relationship with the most amazing man I have ever met and we've been together for 8 months now. However, I am in a living situation that I hate and we are long distance for the moment. His communication has always been bad because he hates texting, but he's always right there with phone calls and skype dates. The issue right now is that he has disappeared for days at a time twice now, although he is active on Facebook. I am frustrated and feel even more lonely and rejected, and I need help getting past this resistance because I LOVE this man and he really, truly loves and cares about me. I know that we are still together and remain so, I just need to stop the negative thinking before it does some serious damage. I am using affirmations and just letting things go during the day, but I still feel down and a little frustrated. Please help!

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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by The Simplifier on Thu Feb 25, 2016 6:30 pm

Have you asked him about it?
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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by Havefaith on Thu Feb 25, 2016 7:51 pm

Yes, and he promised to be better, but here I am. He hasn't responded to texts or calls, so finally I just told him I loved him and when he was ready to talk, we'd talk. Unfortunately, this has only made me MORE anxious, because normally he responds after a day.

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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by The Simplifier on Thu Feb 25, 2016 8:14 pm

Ok think back to the few weeks before this became noticable. How were you seeing the relationship /feeling about it?
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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by Freya on Fri Feb 26, 2016 1:19 am

Hey Havefaith I love you (this is Selina)

Glad you've got this lovely relationship and that Armine can help you find a way to get to a better place. I just wanted to very quickly note:



LilacViolet put this infographic up on PLOA and I think it rings very true. Often, we try to suppress ("get rid of") negative thoughts, but what it ultimately results in is those thoughts becoming stronger and stronger and eventually forming "knots" deep in the subconscious mind. Regardless of LOA I think it's important to recognise your negative thoughts and start to distance yourself from them, e.g. say to yourself "negative thoughts/feelings are arising" rather than "oh no I'm thinking negatively again, better stop". Usually, just allowing there to be room for joy and pain as well allows the pain to fade faster, because sometimes half our pain is our own resistance to it.



I fully believe that everything will be much better for you soon, if you allow your own fears and "bad" thoughts headspace and watch them fade away.

Just don't listen to them. I love you Like in this story:

Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave instructions for the battle.

The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, “May I have permission to go into battle with you?”

Fear said, “Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission.”
Then the young warrior said, “How can I defeat you?”

Fear replied, “My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power.”

In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear.

- Pema Chodron

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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by lunareclipse on Fri Feb 26, 2016 5:52 am

So nice to see you here again Havefaith  sunny

Oh long distance relationships, story of my life Rolling Eyes Almost every significant relationship I have ever had turned into a long distance one at some point and I have been in that point before, twice actually. 
Unfortunately both of these relationships ended shortly after, but probably because of the LOA- you can not perceive what you are not the vibration of. 
The more fearful you become, the more he's gonna slip away. 
I think for one of them I actually tried to use LOA and visualize us together and happy- didn't work, I just couldn't get to that happy place and stay there because I had this nagging feeling in the background that something is wrong. 

So they went quiet, first a day, then gradually breaks got longer as my anxiety grew. I don't know if they met someone else or if they just figured there's no point since there is no logical way for us to be together in a near enough future.

After we broke up, they came back a month or so later by when my state had shifted, but I already had new eye candies and didn't care. Well - that's the main story of most people at PLOA hehe.

If I could go back in time and give my old self advice, I would say- "Don't worry, it will all be fine." Because the more you know that you will be fine no matter what, the less you are anxious about him leaving, the less you are anxious, the higher your vibration will be, the higher your vibration, the higher the probability things will work out. 

To be honest I wouldn't swap my husband for either of these guys in a million years, so even if things wouldn't work out, know that something even better is coming. 

But for now, remember why he fell in love with you at the first place- be that person.

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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by President Roosevelt on Fri Feb 26, 2016 12:35 pm

lunareclipse wrote:
If I could go back in time and give my old self advice, I would say- "Don't worry, it will all be fine."

Same here. I'd tell myself "Kid, relax, chill out, do what makes you feel better in body, mind, and spirit."
To borrow inspiration from Abraham-Hicks, the beauty of telling yourself "Don't worry, it will all be fine" is that you're not too specific on the goal so much that there is resistance (feeling of lack or frustration when you think of it). You're very general, but this story can apply to all parts of your life and soothe your mind in any circumstance. It helps you remember that no matter how big a problem was in your past, you have found a way to be OK, and so you can do it again, there's always a way to feel better. Since you've lived it, it's easier to believe. And that's the story to remind yourself, that it will all be fine. And if everything has a way of being alright in the end, why not get out of your mind and enjoy life now? It will soothe you, remind you of your power, and negative thoughts won't have as much power because you have now identified with the story of creating your own happiness. People say you gotta love yourself first before you attract the love you want, and loving yourself starts with making the decision to really do what makes you feel better now, instead of efforting your way into more frustration and anxiety.

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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by LittlemissSunshine on Fri Feb 26, 2016 4:01 pm

I can relate as well havefaith. I can worry too much as well sometimes. You've been given good advice already I would like to add somethings. Don't fill in the pieces of things you don't know. Sometimes we conclude things based on the limited things we see. You see some kind of behavior of someone but until you actually know what is going on try not to fill it in or conclude the worst. Most things are off our radar screen. Give someone the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. I know that is hard. I had a habit of making assumptions and then regretting it later because he was indeed busy or some problem he had do deal with first. Afterwards I'd always wished I didn't worried as much.

Secondly, people are connected by energy. Someone can pick up your energy, good or bad in their subconscious mind. If you are worried, that's what you are sending out. When I worry to much I always go back to the basics, that's what I tell myself. The basics are, focusing on myself, getting back into joy no matter the circumstances ( well that always takes a while, you can not go from a negativity into a positive state instantly. I don't think suppressing you emotions is good at all, so you have to work through the worry first).

If you wish for a loving relationship, but u are worried about it at the same time, you are not a vibrational match to a loving relationship. The light emotions are. One way to work through the resistance is to accept your current emotions. You can say to yourself it's ok to worry because you care, but there is actually no need to worry, because their is love between you two and then shift your focus to the love instead of his absence. So accept your worries first before you shift to something else. Good luck to you Smiley
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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by The Simplifier on Fri Feb 26, 2016 11:18 pm

Great advice, LMS!
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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by Havefaith on Sat Feb 27, 2016 7:49 am

Thank you so much everyone, your advice has helped me out so much. He contacted me the day before yesterday wanting to talk yesterday, but we had an opposite work schedule. So we'll be able to talk today, hopefully.

Honestly, I really think your advice saved this relationship for me. I do have trouble with going into these periods of down spiraling thoughts and have done this my entire life. Mostly because I have really bad anxiety when I'm in relationships because I expect the worst. Now, I am really trying to work on that which I why I came to you guys, and I'm glad I did! I feel so much more at ease now and I know everything is going to work out just fine. We're going to be okay.

I'm going to work on not suppressing my fear, but acknowledging it and just letting be without letting it take control over me! Thank you guys so much!

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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by President Roosevelt on Sat Feb 27, 2016 9:02 pm

Havefaith wrote:
I'm going to work on not suppressing my fear, but acknowledging it and just letting be without letting it take control over me!

Hi Havefaith,

I find that acknowledging fear, letting it be, and just saying yes to it works like a charm. There's no more resistance to it so it's like you're not afraid of fear anymore, you welcome it, and thus it can be transformed. Also, I don't believe that fear is the enemy (although it can be destructive to the mind if overindulged or neglected in the extremes). Fear is really your friend and it tells you where your focus is off and that perhaps a change in perspective is needed (is the glass half empty or half full?). Fear tells me that I'm focusing on my limits, so when I accept the fear and soothe it, my focus feels more free to move. And so I move my focus to thoughts that feel better - to my beliefs, my calling, my passion, my loyalties, my purpose - the things (thoughts and beliefs) that inspire me and keep me driven. Whenever I feel sad, depressed, or afraid, I try to journal out this process and it works well for me in shifting fear to action, inner knowing, and peace. Here's an excerpt from my journal, I wrote it during a depressive day at the beginning of the month when I faced a setback:

" I feel disconnected from my myself and it's OK. I feel strange, and it's OK. I don't feel as attractive, smart, cool, or confident as I used to be, I feel sad and it's OK. It's OK to feel what I feel. I accept who I am. I know now that I feel so disconnected from myself because of fear. I've let my worries barricade my mind, block out my soul, and now my soul hurts. It's OK, I feel what I feel. Now I feel sadness burning into anger, I'm angry, I want to make a change. I want to fight, channel the angry energy, make life awesome, I want to feel better in my own skin about who I am, I want to play video games again and really enjoy it. I want to exercise and feel better in my body. I want to write my short story and feel better in my heart. I want to write economics and feel ready for the job ahead. I feel angry and it's OK, because I know how to channel it into a healthy life. Deep down, I know it's the fear stopping me, the should haves and the would haves, longings and regrets. These are mirages of years past, now I am becoming whole. I feel afraid and that's OK. I accept it. I don't have to be afraid anymore, or let the off patterns paint the walls of my mind. I believe in things more important than fear like friendship, the story I'm writing, courage and bravery. I believe in Batman (who rised from the pit). I believe in writing economics to support policy, to foster a healthy economy. I believe in heart energy that goes out to those in need. I believe in power - I got it inside. My fear will not stop me, there's so much I'm passionate about, so much I believe in that goes beyond fear. I feel my energy coming back now. Good. Let's do what we love to do. Let's make passion and fun and the soul the highest beliefs. Let's do this."

That's an actual journal entry of mine. So it's accepting fear, sadness, or anger, soothing it, welcoming it with no judgements, then reminding yourself of what your biggest beliefs are, what's worth living (and dying) for, what you believe in that keeps you going and inspired, and just shift focus to that. After journaling, it was a lot easier to snap out of a depressive day and get back in the game (also thanks to actions that helped me feel better). Also, I think I remember you said you had an autoimmune disease and so do I (psoriasis). I've done mindfulness journaling to see what I'm thinking about when inflammation or itching flares up or goes down. I've learned that thinking stressful thoughts, especially ones of powerlessness, frustration, anger, and feeling misunderstood aggravate it. Thoughts of pure fun and "Wow, this was an awesome day" were most correlated with calm and healing. Journaling this out helped me to become more mindful of what thought-patterns specifically were making it worse or better during the day so that I could more easily make peace with my negative thoughts and feelings and just focus on better-feeling thoughts from there. Journaling like above has helped me to become more convinced that negative thoughts aren't a problem at all because I have all the tools within me to be at peace and feel better. And now this dog is gonna eat his chicken parmesan.

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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by Havefaith on Mon Feb 29, 2016 4:23 am

Thank you PR, seriously. I started journaling because, honestly, I think these periods of fear and despair are left over from my previous relationship, one that was not good by any means (although, ironically, I tried to attract him back when I first learned of LOA), and also because I think I have serious anxiety that I really need to get in check. 90% of my life is happy and optimistic , but then there's a trigger and, boom! I start down spiraling in this pattern of thought that is almost like a vice grip. I love the idea of mindfulness journaling, mostly because I think it would really help me detect my triggers and work though them, before the storm of negativity takes over and does damage.

I've also noticed that during those periods of negativity and anxiety, my autoimmune gets worse, although I'm
Not sure if it's because my particular condition make stress a deadly enemy or if it's because of my vibration, though, logically I'm sure it's simply both.

I know I've said thank you a hundred times, but I hope you and everyone else who responded with such kindness understand that I really, truly mean it. You guys may have just saved my relationship from destruction, and I am seriously grateful for that. Especially since this man is an amazing person and we really do have a wonderful relationship. Communication is the only real issue. So, thank you for saving it, and for saving me. I love myself, inside and out, but I have never really known how to get a hold of my anxiety. Pharmaceuticals, at this point, might be an answer, but who knows.

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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by President Roosevelt on Mon Feb 29, 2016 1:54 pm

Havefaith, do you like President John F. Kennedy?

Whenever I get stressed or my psoriasis feels bad, I always think of him because he inspires me. Just sometimes imagining him being my counselor or imagining living his story will make me feel better and more positive. And it helps a lot to do that with anyone who inspires you or makes you feel better so that our challenges are no longer this dreadful demon haunting us, but like our heroes before, we know the story and we know we can win.

Like us, JFK also had an autoimmune condition (I think it was Addison's disease). He almost died from it. In his first years as President, he met with defeat after defeat. CIA trained militants lost the Bay of Pigs Invasion in Cuba and Kennedy didn't want to call in an airstrike and risk a greater war. The CIA and his generals were pretty much his political enemies after that, trying to wrestle foreign policy from his hands. The Soviet premier, Kruschev, bullied him. The Civil Rights Movement wasn't fond of Kennedy's strategic choices. To top it all, medical reports suggest that Kennedy was receiving the wrong dosage of steroid medicine for Addison's, which aggravated not only his physical disease but also his depressive episode (possibly, he was bipolar).

Over time, his wife and brother, Jackie Kennedy and Robert F. Kennedy, made sure he was getting better treatment. At the same time, Kennedy chose to rely on his brother as his closest aide and not on the generals or the CIA. When the Cuban Missile Crisis came, the CIA and the generals wanted a firm decision to strike at the Soviets and Cuba if they crossed the line. Kennedy opted for a better approach: set up a naval blockade, negotiate, and get the missiles out of Cuba without war. Soon enough, America was racing to the moon and mooning off the Soviets in the space race. At the same time, Kennedy supported the U.S. Navy Seals which became a force to be reckoned with. At home, Southern state governments were allowing troopers to beat up peaceful black protesters and Kennedy decided to force their hand by calling in federal troops to keep the peace. This was one the strategic moves that helped the Civil Rights Movement deliver its iconic speeches.

That was a lot of progress in a few years by a man with both symptoms of depression and mania as well as Addison's disease. His defeats taught him resilience and to think better himself instead of letting others dictate his own policies. So when I think of him, my psoriasis seems so small and inconsequential since...

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Re: Need Help with getting rid of "howlers"

Post by Havefaith on Mon Feb 29, 2016 2:36 pm

<3

Funny you should mention JFK! Addison's is actually what I have, I also almost died from it (it's suuuuuper tricky to diagnose). I also have a mild form of hyperthyroidism. I'm so glad you bring him up, because I really do look to him as a form of inspiration for living happily and not suffering with this disease. It's just hard sometimes. I had to leave support groups for it because everyone there was so negative...it was like watching a huge pity party.

And yes! He most likely was receiving an incredibly high dosage since he was so puffy from water retention, especially in his face. The fact that he was a successful president despite his short time in office is so inspiring, since some days it's hard to get out of bed from exhaustion.

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