Change your fundamental story - AND EVERTHING IS AWESOME!!! ;) :)

I was thinking about this thread a little bit.  I remember when I was young I so wanted to be like Scarlett O'Hara.  I read the book for the first time when I was like 12 and I thought she was so awesome!



(Scarlett as she wanted everyone to see her...)



(The real Scarlett)

There were so many things about Scarlett that were just so badass.  She had the ability to wrap men around her finger.  That appealed to 12 year old me.  LOL.  She was a survivor.  She did what she had to do to take care of herself and her family. And she didn't care what anyone else said about her.  Well, mostly.  

She actually did care about what her mother, Ellen, and then later what her sister-in-law Melanie thought of her.  She wanted more than anything to be a great lady like her mother.  And after Ellen was gone the too good to be true Melanie was her guide.  (Tho Scarlett didn't realize that was the case until Melanie was gone too.)

While I still admire Scarlett for being "high spirited" as Melanie put it, and for the qualities I mentioned above, as I get older I am much more drawn to the characters of Ellen and Melanie.  




Melanie was a survivor too.  She just did it in a much kinder, quieter way.  Melanie carried herself with grace and had a huge heart.  She never complained.  Even if Scarlett treated her with contempt and jealousy, Melanie saw the entire time that Scarlett was not a threat and treated her with nothing but sisterly love. She was a "great lady".  

Scarlett often fell short of her desire to be a "great lady" and I know I will at times as well. I think I have a bit too much Scarlett in me to be as much like her role models as I'd like. But like Scarlett, I can still try to live up to the examples of Ellen and Melanie.

Thankfully I don't expect to ever face the kinds of trials that these ladies had to face but I hope I can meet any challenges that come my way the the fire and complete determination that Scarlett possessed and the quiet, uncomplaining strength of Melanie.  I think combined they make quite remarkable role models and create a really nice balance.

Hi kazoo, Gone With the Wind is an interesting reference. Scarlett is a strong character and certainly had her focus.

The one scene I regularly remember in terms of loa is when they come back to the house after the war and there is no food. The way she pulled up the tiny vegetables from the garden and couldn't find anything to satisfy her belly, she vowed to never be hungry again. She really used that moment of contrast as a turning point to focus on abundance, and that's what she created from then on.

She kinda stepped on people along the way, but then I guess the film wouldn't have been quite as appealing otherwise.

Hi Armine.  Not sure if you ever read the book, but it does present Scarlett as a little more "balanced" than in the movie.  I think the movie shows her as being more selfish than in the book.  For instance when she married her sister's suitor, she only did so to save Tara, which in turn provided a place for everyone to live and gave them a chance for a future.

After her mother died and her father lost his ability to think properly she was left to provide for everyone: her son, (who wasn't in the movie) Melanie, Melanie's baby, her father, her two sisters, and the handful of slaves who remained.  So she did what she did not just for herself but to make sure no one could ever threaten Tara and that her entire family was taken care of.

When Margaret Mitchell wrote the book she incorporated the stories that she had heard about the strong, resourceful women who were left to survive when all of the men were gone fighting the war.  It can be really inspirational to think about how when they were faced with complete devastation that they managed to survive and even thrive!  It kinda makes whatever issues we may be facing look pretty mild in comparison!

The scene you reference:



She decides right then and there the horrible circumstances she's facing are not going to defeat her!  We all need to make that vow!  Because we're all strong enough to overcome whatever it is we're dealing with!

Something else to note, the major theme of the story is that Scarlett carried a torch for Ashley the entire time even tho he married Melanie. In her determination, Scarlett is able to attract all kinds of things but never Ashley. It turns out the whole time that Scarlett was never really in love with Ashley, nor was he ever truly in love with her. She just didn't realize it until the end of the book/movie. Which is why she never got that relationship to be real.

She was actually in love with Rhett the whole time. She just didn't see it. (Melanie saw it tho.) It's a reminder that sometimes we convince ourselves that we are meant to be with someone but deep down that's not the right person for us. Meanwhile, the person she really loved (and who really loved her) was right in front of her the whole time but she was so completely focused on the wrong person she missed it.

I like to think that Scarlett got Rhett back in the end. (I know there was a sequel written but I never read it.) Because we all know that once she set her mind on something she got it!

Oh I love this!



It's funny, because I was given Gone With the Wind (the book) for Christmas, and I've been thinking about the story recently... even before that, back in August last year, reading it in a bookshop in Oxford, I was making comparisons between myself and Scarlett O'Hara. Not ones I was particularly proud of, I must admit.


“That’s better,” he said. “Scarlett, I’m a bad influence on you and if you have any sense you will send me packing — if you can. I’m very hard to get rid of. But I’m bad for you.”

“Are you?”

“Can’t you see it? Ever since I met you at the bazaar, your career has been most shocking and I’m to blame for most of it. Who encouraged you to dance? Who forced you to admit that you thought our glorious Cause was neither glorious nor sacred? Who goaded you into admitting that you thought men were fools to die for high-sounding principles? Who has aided you in giving the old ladies plenty to gossip about? Who is getting you out of mourning several years too soon? And who, to end all this, has lured you into accepting a gift which no lady can accept and still remain a lady?”

“You flatter yourself, Captain Butler. I haven’t done anything so scandalous and I’d have done everything you mentioned without your aid anyway.”

“I doubt that,” he said and his face went suddenly quiet and somber. “You’d still be the broken-hearted widow of Charles Hamilton and famed for your good deeds among the wounded. Eventually, however —”

But she was not listening, for she was regarding herself pleasedly in the mirror again, thinking she would wear the bonnet to the hospital this very afternoon and take flowers to the convalescent officers.




Like Scarlett, I can be stubborn, vain, (too) passionate, and sometimes selfish, and if I think it helps me get what I want - if the burning desire is strong enough - I will stop at nothing, not even if social mores are against me.

I'm not sure if I agree that Scarlett was never in love with Ashley, though. I don't think it was the same type of love as she had for Rhett (that was very strong, even though she would not allow herself to recognise this till the end) - she and Rhett are the same, strong-willed, fiery, dangerously attractive to members of the opposite sex and taking pleasure in the fact. What's between her and Rhett is a "natural sympathy," a magnetic force drawing them together, perhaps against her will, something stronger than all her thoughts of Ashley together. Nonetheless, I do believe she loves Ashley, though it is a lesser love. He represents the ideals of the old South; he is a perfect gentleman; in many ways, Ashley - meek, mild-tempered, honourable, socially acceptable (and thus with a natural sympathy for Melanie) - represents everything Scarlett wishes she was herself but isn't, and apparently when we fall in love we often fall for qualities we do not have ourselves - because there is the idea that the other person can somehow "complete" us, and also because we wish to live through the other person in some way. She falls for what she wants for herself - she may not be a great lady, but Ashley is the male version of that, a true gentleman. She is in love - to a great degree - with an image, but this happens often in the early stages of love. Jacques Lacan famously defined love as "Giving something you don't have to someone who doesn't exist."



Similarly, perhaps I'm a softie but I'd like to think Ashley also loves Scarlett. Again, in a different sort of way to the way he loves Melanie. If "opposites attract", he and Scarlett are definitely opposites and definitely attracted; he's strongly drawn to her even though he wishes he wasn't. Perhaps it's ironic, but I see Ashley as a moth to Scarlett's flame much as Scarlett is a butterfly to Rhett's great big hungry flower. There is no natural sympathy between Ashley and Scarlett but - to me, the lack in Ashley's life, the lack of passion, adventure, etc., means that he is strongly drawn to Scarlett, who represents all those things. Scarlett is naturally a more attractive person than Ashley, so even without a "true", we are the same spirit divided sort of love, she fascinates him deeply in a way Melanie never could.

I'm not proud of my Scarlettesque selfishness, stubborness, or fits of pique. But I will be proud someday when, like Scarlett, I am strong enough to overcome whatever life throws at me.

Because, after all, "Tomorrow is another day!"

You okay Pressie? You look like you probably have palsy...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=na3DT6v6EKE

3:45-3:58

Nah, that was me vomiting inside after reading all that Scarlett stuff

President Roosevelt wrote:

about what you think of Scarlett

Now let's continue with the thread, shall we?

hmmmm maybe i should watch this film again, i didnt particularly like Scarlett that much, she had a bad attitude lol

Night Eyes wrote:hmmmm maybe i should watch this film again, i didnt particularly like Scarlett that much, she had a bad attitude lol

Yeah, we never watched the whole thing because we didn't like her that much, or the story that much. She's grown on me though. Particularly in the book she's quite special.



The fact is, she's the direct opposite of your "genteel" lady of the time... which is what makes her, well, something of a protofeminist

Lol, it's quite a long movie to get thru!

I've seen the movies more times than I can count, and I've read the book several times.  So I guess you can say I'm a fan.  

Being a big history buff I can definitely put the events into a deeper context than even a film that long can really capture.  So maybe that plays a part in my thoughts about Scarlett.  Or maybe it's the fact that I'm a Scorpio like both Margaret Mitchell and Vivien Leigh, and I can relate.  Lol.

Freya, I actually have some thoughts about your assessment of Ashley, as a person and his feelings for Scarlett...I'm not sure if this is the place to continue a discussion about it tho or if we should start a separate thread, since things are getting a little sidetracked.  I could go on and on about this story.  (In case you all hadn't noticed!!)

Lol, one thing I WILL add, is that there is no way if Scarlett was around today would she be over at PLOA complaining about Rhett leaving her and asking for advice on how to get him back.  There was no desperation in her at all, only determination.  Again, I can expand upon this as well but I'm not sure if this should be the GWTW thread.  Lol.

kazoo wrote:
Lol, one thing I WILL add, is that there is no way if Scarlett was around today would she be over at PLOA complaining about Rhett leaving her and asking for advice on how to get him back.  There was no desperation in her at all

Agreed.

Haha, you all have such strong and inspiring characters to identify with. I think of only couple I can see myself in  

First and foremost- 
King Julien  






I am just as lazy, simple-minded and fond of myself    

My friends in real life always compare me to Phoebe, so I think that's a good one too, although I'm nowhere as badass as she is  

Well, this makes a lot of sense. I've been identifying with the dumdums and misfits. A-ha moment.

How are we all going with this?

I've just realised that the "change your story" idea is totally in line with the psychology of changing limiting beliefs or habits. They say that instead of trying to change something about yourself, you should stop identifying as the kind of person who has that problem. So instead of saying I am going to stop procrastinating so much, you should say I am the kind of person who rarely procrastinates. And so on.



This is also kind of related to Lunar's wonderful Mindset thread. Sometimes all it takes is a shift of belief and click, you're all good.

Changing your story works in reverse, as well. While depression is by no means something one can "snap out of", I do believe that if we stop identifying as depressed, it can help us out of it -- instead of saying "I am depressed" or "I have depression" (even if it's true) we could say "I have a lot of negative thoughts and feelings right now". The more loving awareness we can bring to our own thoughts and feelings, the sooner we can heal them. If we can just compassionately observe what is going on in our own minds, without judging or suppressing, that is already the first step to healing.

The story I am going back to at the moment is my childhood story: just going back to being my old self. Sometimes I bounce back into the netherworld, but I think something fundamental has changed.

Princesses QP and Lilac, what stories do you identify with? And would you like to change them, or keep them the same?

Just spent a while going through the original post by Rainbows - how amazing! So well written and wonderful ideas.

I'm not sure who I identify with in regards to my studies and career, but it's going well so whatever I'm doing must be working except I do have one last lot of exams to get through, and procrastination is my downfall so I need to work on what you said Freya and starting to say that 'I am the person that rarely procrastinates'. I think the reason education and career go well for me is that I've always had the belief that if you set your mind to it and work hard then you can achieve in those areas. Whereas in situations that involve another person, like say getting a relationship, that adds doubt into my mind because someone else is involved - it isn't all down to me.

Along with studies and career going well, I am happy overall at the moment with family, friends and social life, hobbies etc. But I did do some thinking as to what else I might want. I realised that I do want a relationship. I find that I feel embarrassed to admit that - maybe because I feel like we are in an era where we have to have a 'I don't need a guy to make me happy' attitude. Which I agree with. I truly, completely believe that you need to be happy by yourself in order to be in a truly happy relationship. But I don't think that wanting a boyfriend should be seen as a negative thing, as long as it's not in an insecure way. I'm not any less happy now than I was when I was in a relationship, it was a different kind of happiness, but not a superior kind, which makes me feel like I am ready to date someone.

I guess the story I currently relate with relationship-wise is getting over an ex boyfriend. I'm slowly getting there at getting over it, though. Funny that you posted an image from 'The Holiday' Freya - that was one of my break up movies! That and Bridget Jones. I liked how Kate Winslet started to put herself first and enrich her own life, and that's when the guy came back but she'd grown that much and learnt to value herself that she ended up meeting someone even better. And the same in Bridget Jones. It's funny, I watched these movies over and over again after my break up and they made me feel better. But I never thought about it in the way that Rainbows explained it in her post. I didn't realise I was watching them because I related, and because they inspired me that I would end up with the happy ending that they did.

Although I have no idea what my next step is I hope this post has made sense. I'm sleepy so my brain is probably malfunctioning.

This thread has been so enlightening to me actually, am looking forward to more discussion!

Thanks for the beautiful thoughts, Lilac.

I think there's nothing wrong with being a romantic in a modern world. I think people these days are maybe more scared of getting hurt than ever, and the anxiety of an age manifests itself in a culture of hookups and casual flirtations where people can be scared to get serious. That said, not *everyone* is like that, and at the end of the day, you only need one man......just one.

As Amy tells Meg in Little Women, "You don't need schools of suitors. You only need one, if he's the right one."

Which reminds me, another character I identify with -



Jo March. Awkward, boyish, passionate, and with a love for reading and writing -- how could I not identify with her?

Has anyone else read/seen Little Women?