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I want to improve my relationship with my father

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I want to improve my relationship with my father

Post by Leeanne on Sat Sep 12, 2015 11:33 pm

My father and I live far away from each other. I have nobody left but him (No mother, no boyfriend, no relatives). He means the world to me

Yet I have repeatedly upset, disappointed and hurt him, unintentionally...and right now to the point of no return. He's had enough of me, doesn't want me anymore, or at least about to officially. I feel extremely guilty and heartbroken.

This is the biggest nightmare I've had thus far. I really cannot lose him. Please friends, how can I mend this with my thoughts? I need a 'miracle'. Thank you Crying or Very sad
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Re: I want to improve my relationship with my father

Post by Guest on Sun Sep 13, 2015 6:04 am

I'm hardly an expert at relationships or LOA, but... I'm sure there's a way you can heal this. Your father will always love you; he's a parent, their love is unconditional even if the relationship breaks. I've read some really heartbreaking stories of women who rejected their sons, for example, but who all the time loved them despite everything... it was just that somehow the relationship wasn't working out and they needed time away from one another.

I can imagine what you must be going through, if my parents turned me away I would probably start going off the tracks, I love and depend on them so much...

I'm confident that your situation can be changed; please don't feel guilty, I know what it's like when you feel you've disappointed somebody you love. But guilt is a poison that just weakens you to no benefit. If there is anything you can do to make amends right now then do that, promise yourself to never again do what you did to make him upset, but don't feel guilty... you're a wonderful person, remember that, and guilt is separating you from your true self, your higher self, the person you really are.

You're perfect just as you are ... and you could use a little improvement. — Shunryu Suzuki

We all have the Buddha Nature in us, and though we all make mistakes we are essentially good beings; we need to always remember that.

Something I love reading is Trungpa's Shambhala, he talks a lot about loving yourself and not allowing the guilt in. I made a post about it on this forum, here: http://lecafe.forumotion.com/t113-shambhala

There's a whole post on guilt as well.

Please look after yourself... I'm sure others with more experience and wisdom will give you their input as well. xx

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Re: I want to improve my relationship with my father

Post by Phantasm on Sun Sep 13, 2015 12:23 pm

Hello Leeanne,

Welcome to the forum.



First of all, you've come to the right place, because we're here for you. This forum - from what I understand anyway - is about becoming more spiritually attuned, releasing your inner light and experiencing your highest self.

I know what it's like to be living in a nightmare. But listen to me: You will survive. You will get through this. You are stronger than you know. You have so much energy and light within you at every moment of every day. You have power. You cannot see it now but you are an infinite being with infinite grace. Things are very dark right now but your light is always there, you just can't see it.



I'm not an expert but the first real LOA advice somebody gave me - actually somebody here on this forum - was connect to your highest self, ask your highest self for guidance. Obviously, it seems hard to connect ot your highest self from where you are now, because you are suffering deeply. But you can build up your strength. You can manifest your light.

Once you have done that you will be able to use your thoughts to shape your reality. But for now, don't fight the feelings - repression is unhealthy. Allow yourself to feel bad. Look after your own pain. It is part of you, if you push it away you will just make it stronger - that's the paradox. Take care of your pain in the way you'd take care of a little baby.

You can get through this and you will heal your relationship with your father. Also know that you can build a life in which you are not alone in the world apart from him; you can manifest your ideal life, in which you have very good friends who are similar to you in many ways, people with whom you click. You can have a wonderful life, it is waiting for you already, it is already there beyond the darkness, it is within you, you simply can't see it.

You are a spirit, a source of divine light. You are loved, even if sometimes you can't see it. You are always loved. If you look closely, you will see that the whole universe is love; the trees, the birds, everything and everyone, deep down, loves you.

And we love you too; we care about you. Know that. You are a wonderful spirit whose gentleness is immediately apparent from your profile picture. You are unique in all this world. We will help you manifest your light and shine brightly in the world.

I close with the words of Swami Vivekanada,
"If you only knew yourselves! You are souls; you are gods."

Best wishes.
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Re: I want to improve my relationship with my father

Post by Night Eyes on Sun Sep 13, 2015 12:27 pm

Leeanne all i can suggest is just keep being you, if you've upset or hurt him, he'll come round, parents always do, a parents love is like no other.

But sometimes we dont always see eye to eye on things, us parents to have a nasty habit of thinking we know best, when the truth is we have to let go and trust that we've done our job well and that you can look after yourself.

Just try to visualise you and your father having a good, healthy and happy father/daughter relationship where he loves you and is proud of you

and also be proud of yourself, we can only live with the best of intentions, and well sometimes people may feel let down or hurt, but you can only ever do your best Smiley

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Re: I want to improve my relationship with my father

Post by Lotus ♥ on Sun Sep 13, 2015 8:22 pm

Hi Leeanne:

Please cheer up and stay assured you can fix all these problems and have a fantastic relationship with your father. I can't write much these days but I'll try to follow with you (if you want to), and I apologize in advance my reply(s) may be a bit late. Now first of all I hope you can answer the following:

Yet I have repeatedly upset, disappointed and hurt him, unintentionally.


Why? Or at least how, since you think that was "unintentional."

Truth is, it's "unintentional" only in your conscious mind. But there is still a reason in your unconscious that drives you to unintentionally upset, disappoint and hurt him. For example, you love him, obviously, but you also said, "My father and I live far away from each other." So maybe, just maybe, you're angry at him for being far from you? Did that ever feel painful to you, or did you ever blame him, even if mentally, for being far? Are you angry at him for any other reason? Are you disappointed yourself or sad of him for something else—anything he said or did, or should've said or done but didn't? Sometimes we hurt, upset or disappoint our parents just to "punish" them, because we're simply angry at them even though we may not be aware of this hidden anger. Especially when we "have nobody left" and they "mean the world" to us; especially in such cases our mind quickly hides our anger, resentment or disappointment against them in the deeper levels of our unconscious.

So think again, why do you "repeatedly upset, disappoint and hurt" your father?

This is the hard part in your story. Afterwards fixing the relationship itself is easy. So cheer up my friend, stay in peace and just slowly and calmly find out a bit more about your mind and your self.

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I want to improve my relationship with my father

Post by Leeanne on Fri Oct 09, 2015 4:12 am

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for the support and care for me in my dimmest times. I truly appreciate it, and I apologise for my very delayed response. Had quite a handful to take care of... I couldn't yet be in peace to write a proper reply here.

My father and I have worked things out. I am glad, so glad <3

I want to always be a good daughter, but I feel that I'm not 'good' enough. I want to maintain a very strong emotional connection with him all the time..because it feels like we're actually a little more distant than before. And..I don't think he likes me as much (although I have no doubt he still loves me)
((I hope you understand what I mean here? Surprised ))
He is my adoptive father, btw

I'd like to use affirmations for that, but am not quite sure how to construct any. What do you suggest?  I love you

p.s to Lotus,

Thank you for the affirmations you've prepared <3 They gave me tranquility, and comfort on some level. Very powerful.

My question is, is that just designed for relationship healing? Smiley

p.p.s to Admin/Moderator:

I'd like too change the title of this thread. I've edited in my latest post but it still shows in the "Latest Topics" column the original one. Can you help me synchronise the title in each post of this thread? Thank you Smiley
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Re: I want to improve my relationship with my father

Post by Guest on Fri Oct 09, 2015 8:12 am

It's so wonderful to see you again Leeanne, I'm really glad you're back. I've thought about you every time I saw a MAC cosmetics store or anything that reminded me of one, and other times too wondering how you've been. I love you

I know what you mean about loving but liking less...however I know that even if this is true the relationship can definitely blossom and become even stronger than it was before.
I do know very strongly that he does love you and believe he still "likes" you as much, too, but that isn't to say your relationship can't be strengthened.

I'm no expert in affirmations at all, so I'll leave that to someone else to answer, but...

Well, there is Ho'oponono, although you honestly have nothing to be sorry about so I'm not sure if it's relevant...



...and you've probably heard of it anyway. I like Lotus' ones, think they're for healing negativity generally, and we all know that once you heal the root problem (the negative "knots" we all have sometimes, some of us to a greater degree) you can start to heal everything else.

From Thich Nhat Hanh:


There is a term in Buddhist psychology that can be translated as “internal formations,” “fetters,” or “knots.” When we have a sensory input, depending on how we receive it, a knot may be tied in us. When someone speaks unkindly to us, if we understand the reason and do not take his or her words to heart, we will not feel irritated at all, and no knot will be tied. But if we do not understand why we were spoken to that way and we become irritated, a knot will be tied in us. The absence of clear understanding is the basis for every knot.

  If we practice full awareness, we will be able to recognize internal formations as soon as they are formed, and we will find ways to transform them. For example, a wife may hear her husband boasting at a party, and inside herself she feels the formation of a lack of respect. If she discusses this with her husband, they may come to a clear understanding, and the knot in her will be untied easily. Internal formations need our full attention as soon as they manifest, while they are still weak, so that the work of transformation is easy.

  If we do not untie our knots when they form, they will grow tighter and stronger. Our conscious, reasoning mind knows that negative feelings such as anger, fear, and regret are not wholly acceptable to ourselves or society, so it finds ways to repress them, and push them into remote areas of our consciousness in order to forget them. Because we want to avoid suffering, we create defense mechanisms that deny the existence of these negative feelings and give us the impression we have peace within ourselves. But our internal formations are always looking for ways to manifest as destructive images, feelings, thoughts, words, or behavior.

  The way to deal with unconscious internal formations is, first of all, to find ways to become aware of them. By practicing mindful breathing, we may gain access to some of the knots that are tied inside us. When we are aware of our images, feelings, thoughts, words, and behavior, we can ask ourselves questions such as: Why did I feel uncomfortable when I heard him say that? Why did I say that to him? Why do I always think of my mother when I see that woman? . . . . Observing closely like this can gradually bring the internal formations that are buried in us into the realm of the conscious mind.

  During sitting meditation, after we have closed the doors and windows of sensory input, the internal formations buried inside us sometimes reveal themselves as images, feelings, or thoughts. We may notice a feeling of anxiety, fear, or unpleasantness whose cause we cannot understand. So we shine the light of our mindfulness on it, and prepare ourselves to see this image, feeling, or thought, in all its complexity. When it begins to show its face, it may gather strength and become more intense. We may find it so strong that it robs us of our peace, joy, and ease, and we may not want to be in contact with it anymore. We may want to move our attention to another object of meditation or discontinue the meditation altogether; we may feel sleepy or say that we prefer to meditate some other time. In psychology, this is called resistance. We are afraid to bring into our conscious mind the feelings of pain that are buried in us, because they will make us suffer. But if we have been practicing breathing and smiling for some time, we will have developed the capacity to sit still and just observe our fears. As we keep in contact with our breathing and continue to smile, we can say, “Hello, Fear. There you are again.” . . . .

  If we know how to live every moment in an awakened way, we will be aware of what is going on in our feelings and perceptions in the present moment, and we will not let knots form or become tighter in our consciousness. And if we know how to observe our feelings, we can find the roots of long-standing internal formations and transform them, even those that have become quite strong.


More on this here: https://jejunejesuit.wordpress.com/2012/12/13/the-body-as-metaphor-untying-knots/

We also have a wonderful thread on internal formations on this forum, http://lecafe.forumotion.com/t126-repression-of-negative-feelings?highlight=negative

I will still be back to you with more later. I hope you're taking care of yourself. Facebook Heart

xxxx

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Re: I want to improve my relationship with my father

Post by Lotus ♥ on Sat Oct 10, 2015 8:19 am

Great news. Leeanne. Smiley I'm glad you've worked this out. ♥

Leeanne wrote:I want to always be a good daughter, but I feel that I'm not 'good' enough. I want to maintain a very strong emotional connection with him all the time..because it feels like we're actually a little more distant than before. And..I don't think he likes me as much (although I have no doubt he still loves me)
((I hope you understand what I mean here? Surprised ))
He is my adoptive father, btw
Do you love him, or do you love his love to you? Why do you "need" him to love you "as much" as he used to before? It's this "need" that obstructs everything and even your love. So think: do you love him, truly love him for who he is, or do you rather need him? Do you love him, or do you need his love back, or his "approval," or his "acceptance," or his "validation"? To fix this relationship, or any relationship in my opinion, you need to free your love from this need and every need. And when your love is free, you'll be inevitably "good enough," because it's love that makes us good enough. You'll love him then anyway, regardless of how "much" love you get back. You'll feel good not because he loves you but because YOU love him. Love then is true, unconditional and free—and that's why you'll feel good, even great.

Not only will you be and feel free then, but even without knowing it you'll be less demanding in this relationship. Less obsessive. Less tight. Less worried. And more allowing. More accepting. More welcoming. More giving and forgiving... THAT will definitely fix everything—although your worth and confidence and happiness and peace all will still derive from within; from being that loving and shining Soul, and from loving that unconditionally and that freely. 



p.s to Lotus,
Thank you for the affirmations you've prepared <3 They gave me tranquility, and comfort on some level. Very powerful.
My question is, is that just designed for relationship healing? Smiley
Thanks to you for allowing me to send them. No, they're for "forgiveness" in general. Also as I mentioned elsewhere the credit goes to Catherine Ponder; I just put some of her words together. Have a beautiful day. ♥

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Re: I want to improve my relationship with my father

Post by The Simplifier on Sat Oct 10, 2015 5:05 pm

Leeanne,

Happy for you, and happy you decided to change the thread title!
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